Allergic to Babies, Burglars, and Other Bumps in the Night Read online

  Calvin was fast asleep.

  And so was Anibelly on my other side.

  And so was Lucy.

  Usually, I’m up all night with my flashlight on account of all the monsters under my bed.

  But not tonight.

  Tonight, there was a space next to me for a baby. It was small and warm and quiet. It smelled like dreams. And it was shaped like me and Calvin and Anibelly and Lucy, put together like eggs in a nest.

  Then I closed my eyes, just like that.

  the house was quieter than usual the next morning.

  I opened one eye.

  Calvin was still asleep.

  I opened the other eye.

  Lucy was still asleep.

  It sounded like the entire world was in stage three deep sleep, except for Anibelly, who’s an early-bird special, and who was staring out the window, as still and frozen as the icicles on the other side.

  It meant only one thing.

  I popped out of bed and ran to the window.

  “SNOW DAY!” I cried. “SNOWWWW DAYYYYY!”

  “R​r​r​r​f​r​r​r​f​r​r​f​r​r​r​f!” Lucy barked.

  “Hooray!” cried Calvin.

  “La​la​la​la​la​la​la,” Anibelly began to sing. “La​la​la​la​la​la​la!”

  It looked like sugar had spilled everywhere. I could hardly believe it!

  After breakfast my mom bundled us in nineteen layers. Then we hurried outside.

  There was nothing to do but roll around.

  And scream.

  And slide.

  And dig tunnels.

  And throw snowballs.

  It was super-duper!

  I’d been waiting FOREVER for a snow day.

  Then I remembered that I’d also been waiting a long time to go to Scooter’s house to see the baby. But there was never any time, until now.

  “Don’t stay long,” my mom said at the door. “Hurry home, or your brother and sister will drink all the hot chocolate.”

  I squinted into the kitchen.

  I saw the hot chocolate.

  I smelled the hot chocolate.

  I wanted the hot chocolate.

  And Calvin and Anibelly were already drinking all of it!

  But I also wanted to see the baby.

  “Be right back!” I said. Then I turned and ran headfirst into the blinding light.

  There was a big wooden bird in front of Scooter’s house. It was a fancy sign that let people know that a brand-new baby had been dropped off at their house. “It’s a boy!” the sign said.

  I rang the doorbell.

  “Hi!” said Scooter.

  I said nothing.

  “You wanna see the baby?”

  I nodded.

  “Okay,” said Scooter. “Come in.”

  I went in.

  “You have to be very quiet,” Scooter said.

  I was very quiet.

  “You have to go through security,” said Scooter. “Like at the airport.”

  Scooter waved a Jedi light saber over my body. “No firearms, poisons, choking hazards, pointy sticks, shampoo or electrical outlets allowed.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Take off your shoes,” said Scooter.

  I took off my shoes.

  “And your snowsuit too.”

  “Why?”

  “You can’t go on a spy mission in a snowsuit,” Scooter said. “The enemy will hear you coming.”

  I knew that. I peeled off my snowsuit.

  “It’s war,” Scooter said, looking me smack in the eye. “We’re in enemy territory and we need to find the enemy.”

  “What do we do once we find the enemy?” I asked.

  “Spy,” said Scooter.

  I love spying. It’s one of my talents.

  First, we crept up the stairs.

  Then we slithered down the hallway.

  Then we cracked open the door to the enemy’s hideout.

  We crawled in undetected, even by the enemy’s latest sonar listening device.…

  Then we spied.…

  The enemy was asleep like this:

  We leaned in.

  We spied some more.

  Spying is really great! You notice stuff you normally don’t see:

  The pearly shells of eyelids.

  Whispery hair.

  A head that breathes.

  Cheeks like sea glass.

  Cakepop fists.

  Fingernails like paper cutouts.

  You stop breathing.

  You stop moving.

  You stop everything.

  It was so quiet and still, you’d think we’d been kidnapped by a bunch of aliens or something and all that was left were our bodies, empty barnacles clinging to the side of a crib.

  And maybe we had been kidnapped.

  Not by a bunch of aliens.

  But by one.

  i hurried home.

  I could hardly wait for my mom to see the big wooden bird that I was dragging back with me. It was fantastic!

  But first I had to stop by Flea’s house to show it to her. She was making a snow volcano in her yard.

  “Wow,” she said. “You’re stronger than you look.”

  I stood taller.

  I panted like Lucy.

  “That’ll look great on your front lawn,” Flea said.

  I nodded.

  “It’s the perfect way to let people know that you’re going to have a new baby brother,” Flea said.

  I nodded again.

  Flea sighed. She stared at the sign. She didn’t have any brothers or sisters. She was an only pirate.

  I set the bird in her yard so that it looked like she was about to have a baby brother.

  Flea smiled. She was very pleased.

  Then we went to work on her snow volcano. It spewed snowballs! Then ice cubes! Then frozen, molten slush! It was super-duper!

  After that I hauled my big wooden bird over to Jules’s house, which is on the way to everything. Jules’s mom was so impressed that she said I needed a cup of hot chocolate and cookies. Mmmm!

  Then I made my way over to the cul-de-sac where everyone lives. First, I stopped at Sam’s house, where there’s always something to eat.

  Then Nhia’s house, where I had another snack.

  Then Eli’s house, where there’s lots of candy.

  Then Hobson’s, where I was too full to touch anything, but Hobson’s good at playing cards and so am I, so we played a few games of Go Fish, then War, then creepy Old Maid, and you can’t play cards without getting the munchies, so I had a few pieces of his mom’s famous homemade cake after all.

  I didn’t go to Pinky’s house, but I pushed my humongous wooden bird slowly past it, just so he could see it from the street and feel jealous.

  By the time I lugged it into my own yard, it was starting to get dark.

  I could hardly wait to see my mom’s face when she saw what I got for free!

  “Mommmmm!” I cried, running into the kitchen.

  Silence.

  I grabbed a donut.

  I looked around.

  The house was shadowy and empty, except for Lucy, who came clicking across the kitchen floor.

  “Where is everyone, Luce?”

  “Eeeee,” Lucy whimpered. “Eeee.” Then she kissed me like crazy. And I kissed her back. If it weren’t for Lucy, I’d have been all freaked out!

  “Did my mom go to the hospital?”

  Lucy blinked. She wagged her tail.

  “Did she leave a note?”

  I looked around again.

  There was no purse.

  There was no hot chocolate.

  And—gasp!—there was no PDK!

  The emergency Pregnancy Disaster Kit I had made for my mom was gone. And that’s when I KNEW SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING HER BABY!!!

  Then I saw it—a lonely piece of paper on the kitchen table:

  Gulp.

  I didn’t feel so good.

  “Urrrrrgh,” I
moaned.

  My belly turned square.

  Then round.

  Then irregular.

  I felt like I was about to lay an egg!

  Then I remembered what Calvin said: “Everything that happens to Mom will happen to you.”

  “Zounds!” I cried.

  It was the worst bellyache I’d ever had!

  “Ohhhhhh,” I groaned. “What whalish, squiggly-bellied canker-blossom is this?”

  I doubled over. “Urrrrrrrrrh,” I moaned.

  Then I ran upstairs.

  I needed to get to my birthing nest fast!

  But first, I made a detour to the bathroom. My mom always says, when your stomach hurts, go to the bathroom.

  So I did.

  I looked out the window next to the toilet.

  I looked at the calm, peaceful snow and the cheerful snowman that I had made with Calvin and Anibelly, and the big wooden bird that said, “It’s a boy!” lying in the moonlit sugar.

  I felt better.

  But not for long.

  Coming up the driveway, in the dark, I could just make out—gasp!—a man dressed in black. Carrying a black bag. It was the exact description of the thief on TV!

  I flushed.

  I wished I could flush myself away!

  But I couldn’t.

  Worse, it was too late to reset Calvin’s Rob Goldthug trap.

  Loud, heavy footsteps came into our house, just. like. that.

  Oops. I’d forgotten to lock the door!

  I WAS NO LONGER HOME ALONE.

  Gulp.

  Quick, I darted into my room and dove into my closet.

  And shut the door.

  It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

  My life wasn’t supposed to end like this.

  I had more scary stories to tell.

  And more mochi cakes to eat.

  And more tests to fail.

  I was supposed to be around to meet my new baby brother.

  And feel jealous.

  And show him off.

  And spy on him every chance I got.

  I was supposed to turn out okay, like my dad, even though I was a lot of trouble now.

  I was supposed to die an old man.

  I pushed myself as far back into the closet as I could. I didn’t want my body falling forward like a piece of cake when the shooting started. I wanted it to slump against the wall like a man.

  I reached into the laundry.

  I suited up.

  That’s the thing about death. It’s important to go out in style, or it looks like you’re just going to dig holes in your yard.

  Then I landed on something hard.

  My butt lit up.

  It was Calvin’s phone!

  I pressed some buttons.

  “Nine-one-one operator,” said a voice. “Please state your emergency.”

  Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Footsteps came up the stairs.

  “What is the nature of your emergency?” asked the phone.

  Even if my voice had been working, I couldn’t have said. The footsteps were in my room now!

  I went headless.

  But not before slipping the phone into the dirty laundry next to me to muffle the sound. The 911 operator can trace your call, as everyone knows, if you don’t hang up.

  I listened.

  The wire tripped.

  The fan turned on.

  Calvin had set it!

  The choo-choo train sped past the books.

  Marbles clattered to the floor.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEE!” Someone was rolling on the marbles!

  Then THUUUUD!

  Silence.

  Then I heard muffled sounds, like someone swearing into a pillow.

  Oh no! The thief fell into our birthing nest!

  NOT MY MOM’S BIRTHING NEST!!!

  I breathed in.

  I breathed out.

  I burst out of the closet with my hockey stick.

  Mushroom Mite to the rescue!

  Then everything happened in slo-mo, like it does on the science channel right before Mount Vesuvius explodes and everyone dies.

  There was hardly any light left in my room, and I could just make out that the black figure was still facedown in the nest, struggling to get up, so I swung my hockey stick—

  C​R​A​A​A​A​A​A​A​A​A​A​C​K!

  And he went down again.

  THUUUUD!

  “Owww!” said the burglar.

  I froze.

  Oops.

  It was supposed to be sudden death.

  Now I was the one about to die!

  He cursed.…

  “What horrid, pinny-boned fish pizzle was that?”

  GASP!

  It was my dad!

  “DAAAAD!” I wanted to scream. But my teeth were all stuck together.

  My dad looked dazed.

  Then the blankets swallowed him like quicksand.

  And I dove in after him.

  Then I felt my dad’s strong arms wrap around me, holding me tight.

  “It’s all right, son,” he said, wiping blood from his nose. “You were defending your home.”

  I shook like tofu.

  “I’d p-p-played hockey once m-m-myself …,” my dad stammered. “It’s a great g-g-game.…

  “You l-l-learn to get up and k-k-keep skating.”

  My dad squeezed me closer.

  Then my dad explained that my mom had called him earlier when her labor pains started, and he’d rushed home.

  “Lay-ror rains?” I mumbled.

  “That’s when your stomach hurts so much from trying to squeeze the baby out,” my dad said.

  I blinked.

  I was having labor pains too!

  “W​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​h!” I cried. My mouth guard fell out.

  My dad pulled me even closer.

  I breathed him in.

  I heard his heart.

  I smelled his skin.

  I was so glad my dad was home.

  Then the cops came spinning up our driveway.

  Wow. A cop car in our driveway. In the snow.

  It was a terrific end to a terrifying week.

  And it was the perfect way to rush me to the hospital to deliver my baby!

  At the hospital, we stopped at the window where the babies were sleeping like mummies all in a row, and breathed heavily.

  After that, we went down the hall.

  Then we stopped dead in our tracks.

  There in a room was my mom and everyone else … and in her arms was the teeniest baby I had ever seen.

  It was the size of a chinstrap penguin!

  My dad and I floated toward it, like two astronauts in space.

  I leaned close.

  I breathed in.

  I breathed out.

  I breathed in the baby.

  It glowed like a star.

  And smelled like a kiss.

  Then it opened its tiny mouth and yawned.

  I was a “14.0, Nonfunctioning.”

  “Alvin,” said my mom. “Meet your new baby sister.”

  My new baby wha​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​a​at?

  “Her name is Claire,” said Anibelly.

  “Isn’t she cute?” Calvin asked.

  Cute?

  Lucky for me, there was another chance for a baby brother.

  “When is my baby coming?” I asked.

  “Your baby?” My mom looked puzzled.

  “I’m eight months pregnant, aren’t I? You said I have all the symptoms. Even your doctor said I was pregnant.”

  “A sympathetic pregnancy!” said my mom. “There’s no baby in a sympathetic pregnancy.”

  “No baby?” It was not good news.

  “You mean I got fat for nothing???”

  Alvin Ho’s

  Simply Pathetic Glossary

  American Revolutionary War— Started at North Bridge. The Redcoats said the bridge belon
ged to them and wouldn’t let the Minutemen use it. There were bad words, then a gunshot, then more gunshots, then a bunch of dead bodies. Before anyone knew it, the war had started! It lasted from 1775 to 1783. In the end, someone had to build a new North Bridge.

  Battle of Bunker Hill— Happened early in the American Revolutionary War (see above), but it wasn’t on Bunker Hill. Low on ammunition, colonial soldiers were told, “Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes,” which meant you should hold your fire until the enemy got close enough so you wouldn’t waste your bullets.

  Battle Road Trail— A five-and-a-half-mile path for biking, walking, running and wheel-chairing that runs through Lexington, Lincoln and Concord. Paul Revere’s famous midnight bike ride took place here.

  cha-siu-bau— Means “barbeque pork packet” in Chinese. A round meat-filled bun made of flour and yeast, it can be steamed or baked. Very yummy!

  Claire— My baby sister. She was supposed to be a boy!!!

  Connecticut— (1) Mark Twain lived here, (2) his next-door neighbor was Harriet Beecher Stowe, (3) you can take tours of their creepy houses in Hartford, (4) south of Massachusetts, which is hard to spell, (5) even harder to spell than Massachusetts.

  Dewey decimal system— A mysterious sequence of numbers used by aliens to organize all library books for transport into outer space.

  dim sum— (1) means “dot the heart” in Chinese, (2) eaten for breakfast or lunch, little morsels of food, like shrimp balls or dumplings, that feel like you’re putting polka dots on your heart, (3) tastes like happiness.

  Dynamite Duo— Firecracker Man and Lucy!

  Embarrassment Syndrome— A fatal condition usually caused by a girl. Symptoms include dry mouth, racing heartbeat, sweating, blinking, itching, confusion, memory loss, blurred vision and foot growth.

  gestate— To carry something important inside you, like a baby or an idea.

  Godzilla— A skyscraper-sized, radioactively mutated lizard.

  Grocery Getter— A car used for getting groceries, and for drag racing.

  hung bau— Means “red packet” in Chinese. A red envelope containing money! You get them for birthdays, New Year’s, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Patriot’s Day, Easter, the Fourth of July, the first day of school and sometimes for no reason at all except for being extra nice to GungGung and asking him about the good old days in China.